


to be beside you

by onefootonego (startingXI)



Series: ex animo [5]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, allusion to past sexual violence and violence of other kinds, hints at: alex/lucy, vaguely historical au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-14
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2019-11-17 23:09:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18108413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/startingXI/pseuds/onefootonego
Summary: for her part, alex has taken to wandering. she and echo spend their day wandering. it’s not an endeavour alex undertakes because she believes she’s going to find lucy. no. for that pursuit she would need more armament and less of a name to herself. instead, alex wanders because it is along these tracks and in these patches of shade, that she has the most memories of lucy.





	to be beside you

**Author's Note:**

> to place this in the timeline, this falls years before maggie's arrival at the lane estate. 
> 
> as ever, heed the warnings.

the summer heat is unyielding as alex dismounts echo and watches as he leads himself down to the stream for a much-needed drink. she too is parched, but alex lingers higher up on the bank in the shade of a willow tree. sweat is rolling down her back, along the slope of her neck and down her arms where dust clings, and while her mother will fuss, in this moment, alex doesn’t care. she knows her mother disapproves of how often alex has taken to riding echo for hours at a time, and some part of alex understands. all this fuss to gain her medical degree and since the news had arrived regarding lucy’s disappearance, alex has hardly used the skills. at first it was the shock of the event, of lucy not so much disappearing, as being taken, violently, whilst out on a ride much like the one alex finds herself on now. near this very spot in fact. just upstream, before a wash of rain flooded the banks, the signs of her capture were still visible. hoof and boot prints deep-set in the dirt were the secondary indications that something had occurred, the primary indication had been polo trotting back onto the lane estate, rider-less and bleeding. 

alex focuses her gaze on echo, watching the way his head dips low as he drinks. it’s better to focus on him than on the fact that it’s been nearly three months since lucy was taken and no one seems to be any closer to getting her back. not for a lack of trying, from alex’s understanding, although the general has been tight-lipped around the nature of lucy’s kidnapping and what is being demanded for her return. alex can only assume it’s political, she knows the general is a major player in an unstable government and his support or dissonance can go a long way. for her part, alex has taken to wandering. she and echo spend their day wandering. it’s not an endeavour alex undertakes because she believes she’s going to find lucy. no. for that pursuit she would need more armament and less of a name to herself. instead, alex wanders because it is along these tracks and in these patches of shade, that she has the most memories of lucy. 

nearly their whole, unbridled childhood was spent absconding responsibility and wandering the countryside with fervour. alex remembers, upon more than one occasion, getting hopelessly lost with the sun hanging low in the sky. not that she ever found fear in such events, with lucy by her side alex had always felt near unstoppable, unafraid of anything that could cross their path. even the nights when they were caught in a spring storm and she found her way home from lucy’s sopping wet and late for dinner, it had always been worth it. the countryside was their domain, was their place to be free from the societal constraints that demand they be demure and timid and yielding. 

echo, returned from hydrating nudges at alex’s arm with his velvet-soft muzzle. he knows she’s got snacks for him in a pocket, or maybe he senses her growing inability to restrain her emotions. either way, he nudges at alex until she’s laying out her flattened palm for him to nibble at chunks of diced carrot. it always leaves their cook in a tizzy when alex would pocket a few fresh from the market to spoil echo with. 

alex wraps an arm around his neck, scratching at his neck lightly in the spot she knows he prefers. she tries to fend off tears, but the with each passing day and there being no word from the lane estate alex finds it harder and harder to hold onto hope. the world is a cruel place, alex is intimately familiar with that fact, but she even this feels one step too far. hot tears sting her eyes and alex presses her face into echo’s combed mane. she tries to believe, but, it’s hard. she knows at some point she needs to resume her practice, her career, but it seems to matter less and less each day when she is faced with the unknown reality lucy is living in. alex finds herself wondering how she can focus on helping others when the one person she wants to help the most is so impossibly out of reach. 

she tries not to think about where lucy could be now. three months is a small eternity and for those with money and means, lucy could be a continent away if they so desired. there are unimaginable horrors in the world, demons that alex faces every night when she tries even harder not to think about what lucy could be going through. try as she might, alex cannot fend off the rush of thoughts and worry for very long. she is as helpless against them as she is when it comes to helping lucy now, wherever she may be in the world. it frustrates alex as much as it scares her, she is both used to powerlessness and not. the world around her has always attempted to fit her into boxes she never found comfortable, and breaking the mould came easy to alex after a while. by and large, no matter the circumstance, alex found a way to make it work for her, found a way to be who she was within the confines of a suffocating society. however, with lucy’s kidnapping, alex is rendered truly powerless. there is no anger she can unleash, no other action she can take that will aid in bringing lucy back. all she can do is wait and hope and wander the countryside, chasing memories of better times. 

echo snorts softly down alex’s back and steps sideways, allowing him the space to shake his head and reposition. he eyes her for long moments and then nudges at her again. 

“i don’t have anything else for you right now.” alex tells him, her words barely audible over the sounds of the stream “you can have more later.” she adds as echo’s muzzle pushes against the pocketful of unoffered carrot. 

he snorts, as if he understands, and swings his head over her shoulder. alex scratches at his head, where the bridle rests, attempting to take steadying breaths and not find herself crying by the stream, again. some days attempts at such self-control are futile, alex is rendered helpless even in the fight control of her own emotions. however, today seems a better day. today the tears dry without falling and alex wipes at her eyes with the back of her sleeve. she pauses when echo stiffens in front of her for a moment, ears turning forwards, stiff and straight. his unease set alex on edge and she turns, following his gaze. over the ridge of a hill, there is another rider barrelling towards them at great speed. it takes seconds for alex to pin who it is exactly making their way towards her, 

kara. 

echo’s ears relax upon making the same connection, although perhaps more to horse than rider. 

alex curls her hands around echo’s reigns and walk up the slope of the bank to meet kara in the expanse of field she is currently galloping across. her heart is pounding in her chest for to ride with such haste alex is sure that kara must come with news of some kind. her mind starts to race, there are a dozen options for news that could push kara to such a race across the countryside to find alex. by the time alex starts considering the likelihood of aforementioned options, kara is practically at her side. from fifty metres out, rusty changes gear into a canter and then a trot, before coming to a near halt just feet from alex. 

at first glance kara is windswept and anxious, alex knows without a doubt that something has happened. although what exactly that could be, she can only guess. it takes long seconds for kara to catch her breath and dismount, allowing rusty the chance to amble to the stream and take long, satisfying sipes while kara drinks for a flask at her hip. alex waits in nervous tension, hands twisting until kara finds her words. she offers no greeting, just 

“it’s lucy.” she starts and alex’s blood runs cold. 

for months she has hoped to hear those words, yet now that she is faced with them fear consumes alex. of what news will kara have, alex can only hope it is not of death. 

“the general has asked for you.” she says “he sent a rider to the house, but i said it would be quicker for me to come find you.” 

alex swallows hard “is she-“ she starts “is she alive?” the question comes out little more than a whisper. 

kara nods “alive.” she nods, relief sweeps through alex at once and she blinks quickly “this is good news.” kara prompts, reaching for alex’s hand “she’s back. she’s alive.” 

_but in what condition_ , alex wonders. 

she swallows hard “my bag.” she says, trying to slow down the thoughts inside her head long enough for them to make a coherent series of sentences “i’ll need my bag.” 

“i have it.” kara assures, nodding to rusty, who is down by the stream, in the shade. clipped to his side indeed is alex’s bag. 

alex runs a hand through her hair, stalled by thoughts and emotions. she finds herself rooted to the spot when everything inside her is screaming for haste and action. she is trembling, unprepared and overwhelmed by the reality of this situation hitting her. alex tries to take a breath but her chest is tight, her hands shaking even as they’re clenched into fists. she feels parched and floundering at the same time. 

“alex,” kara breathes, reaching out and taking one of alex’s hands with her own “alex look at me.” 

alex does. 

kara looks calmer now, or perhaps that’s just the overwhelmed lens through which alex sees the world right now. 

“just breathe.” she says “like you tell me to do. breathe and tell me what you see.” 

for alex, it’s easy to do as told. she takes a wavering breath and takes stock of her surroundings. leaves, branches and grass wave in the wind. the sky is cloudless and blue. rusty has moved up the bank and is standing by kara’s side, studying them both. a bird perches on a branch, its mind occupied by the workings of its own world. all this, alex recounts and with each verbalised observation, she comes back to herself. she feels less disconnected from her body and more ground in the moment. the panic starts to disappear and clear realisation, grim determination, settle in its place. 

“you’ll explain to mom,” alex says, aware of the dinner that she is supposed to be attending tonight “i, chance are,” she trails off. 

“i’ve got that.” kara says “go.” she urges. 

alex nods once “can i hug you?” alex asks, knowing that kara is not always keen on such contact, but more often than not, she is, especially when it’s coming from alex. 

kara’s response is to pull her into a tight hug. this is the final link that secures alex to the moment. panic and fear at the unknown have dissipated and she is now only left with a certain mixture of emotions, one of which spills out in a whisper “i need her to be okay.” alex murmurs, knowing that lucy will not be okay, that she will be traumatised, but alex needs her alive, she needs lucy to not be at deaths door. 

“i know.” kara replies, hugging alex tighter before stepping back “go.” she says “the request sounded urgent.” 

alex swallows hard and turns to echo, who is pawing at the ground, as if aware that something is happening. she is glad now that their afternoon was little more than a leisurely amble, for the ride to the lane estate will be hard and fast. nothing that echo is beyond handling of course, and he has certainly done longer rides, but none so far as important as this one. alex swings up into the saddle with a practiced ease and watches as kara hands her bag across. usually, alex would secure it the saddle and leave it at that, but with the pace, she intends on carrying it could do more harm than good to echo. she secures it in her lap instead, comforted by the weight of its presence, a reminder of the skills she possesses. 

echo is keen beneath her and it takes little effort to encourage him into pace. the lane estate is nearly two and a half miles away, and there are many paths to it from here, all of which alex knows well. a fact she has never been more glad for than she does now. in her mind, she’s running through the basics from her medical education. it’s difficult, of course, to pick what to run through when lucy’s current state is unknown. yet going through the motions of assessing a patient helps focus her mind, helps keep her calm. 

*

alex all but runs into the lane house, lead by an anxious-looking member of the butlers staff. at her arrival it was clear that she was expected, a stable boy was on hand to take echo to food and water and untacking. alex had dismounted and spared only a second of praise for echo and handing her pocket of carrots to the stable boy, with instruction to make sure they were given to echo. her heart had been pounding them, but as she’s lead inside the house, her stomach is in her throat. she has no notion of what she could be expecting from the general or lucy. 

alex is lead up the winding staircase, one whose banisters she has slid down many a time. she assumes they will be going to lucy’s room, and somewhere enroute she will be greeted by the general. alex’s mind is racing, her hands shaking and what she does not expect, as she rounds the corner, is general lane himself sitting in a chair outside lucy’s room. never before has alex seen him so dishevelled and dressed down. he is pale and there are dark circles under his eyes. alex has never borne witness to a man who looks as shaken and frightened as he does. 

“alex,” he says upon standing “or should i say, doctor,” he coughs “i-“ he pauses, seemingly lost for where to begin. 

on any other occasion alex would revel in the title of doctor, however now it hardly seems significant. she has a thousand questions and the first one slips past her lips before she can give the general a chance to find a starting point and explain “when did she return?” alex asks. 

“last night.” the general says, his eyes darkening “the majority of those involved have been dealt with.” 

alex is left with little room for doubt about what that means. the thought of the men involved in lucy’s kidnapping facing death, or worse, will later bring her a sense of satisfaction – tempered only by the fact that she wishes she could have participated in the affair. in this moment, that fact is lost on her because lucy has been back for hours. 

hours. 

yet the general is pale-faced and a smaller man than alex has ever seen him. 

“how is she?” alex asks, almost afraid for the answer to be given. 

“i,” the general starts “i am not sure.” 

alex’s brows furrow, but before she can ask, general lane continues “she is hesitant to be examined.” he says “and in her state, i will not press, but i fear there are injuries that need tending. any other doctor i send for risks callousness,” he says “you are, you have known her far longer. i hope that you may be able to help her.” 

“i’ll do my best.” she says, swallowing hard “i, i’ll pass word if i need supplies,” she says, and steps past the general, towards lucy’s room. 

the general makes no word but allows alex past. she hesitates for only a moment, her hand trembling as she reaches for the door handle. she knows not what will be on the other side, other than lucy, alive, in some state. what that state may be, or even how she will react to alex’s presence. all question that will be answered, the moment she opens the door. 

“alex,” the general says, his voice soft, broken “she’s been through hell.” he warns. 

alex nods once and pushes the door open. 

curtains are pulled across windows and a fire burns steadily in the fireplace. alex steps inside the room and pushes the door shut behind her as quietly as she can. for a moment it is impossible to find lucy amongst the flickering shadows, and alex’s heart begins to race. she swallows her fear and speaks into the half-dark “lucy,” she says gently, “lucy it’s just me. it’s alex.”

a shadow moves on the bed and alex sees lucy there, wrapped in blankets. alex’s breath catches in her chest because even from this distance it is painfully obvious that lucy is scared. her eyes are wide and unfocused, traces of bruising along her jaw, her neck, the curl of her shoulder. alex wants to move to her, wants to pull lucy into her arms, but instinct keeps her stock still and locked in place. she sets her bag down, and speaks softly “it’s just me.” she says “i’m not going to hurt you. you’re safe with me, lucy. okay? i won’t do anything you don’t want me to.” 

she swallows hard, feeling out of her depth and unsure if anything she’s saying will be remotely helpful. yet it’s all she can think to do, calm lucy down, reassure her, then check her for injuries. so she waits, she stands, she watches carefully until lucy seems to unfurl herself and shift beneath the layers of blankets. she leans forward on an unsteady arm and says, voice barely a whisper “alex?” 

it’s half a question, half disbelieving statement and it breaks all of alex’s heart. 

“it’s me.” alex reassures “only me.” 

lucy nods, blinking quickly “i-“ she starts, stops “is this real?” she asks, her voice breaking. 

at that moment a fire is ignited in alex, a burning rage that will have no outlet upon whom to be directed. it bursts forth and then fades to a distant flicker, a presence to be ignored in this moment. she has far more important things to do than rage at men unknown, men likely dead. 

“this is real.” alex promises “you are here. you are safe.” 

lucy brings her knees to her chest and says shakily “you’re the first person who i’m not scared of.”

alex finds herself relieved, a part of her would not know what to do if lucy was scared of her. it would be territory so foreign it would unsettle alex completely. 

“can i come closer?” alex asks, not seeking lucy’s gaze or anything beyond her permission to move closer. 

she gets it with one hesitant nod. 

alex moves closer, step by step, until she’s level with the end of the bed. at this distance she can see lucy more fully and the truth of her state hits alex hard. she is rail thin and there is deep bruising along her face. at her wrists, there are wounds alex can only assume are from the harsh bite of chains clamped at the thin skin there. something else catches alex’s attention, but only for a half second before lucy’s forearm is turned away, pressed against her stomach. alex is unsure, at first, what the wound could be from, the curved shape she glimpsed a mystery. she makes note of it, but does not press. 

“you can sit.” lucy offers quietly. 

alex sinks down onto the edge of the bed, keeping her distance in case that is what lucy needs from her in this moment. she’s not sure what lucy needs, only sure that she will give lucy anything and everything she possibly can. it seems the least she can do for her right now. 

silence surrounds them as alex sits and lucy curls in on herself again. 

the first question lucy asks, breaking the silence, is one that alex least expects. lucy’s words are soft and her question fills the space between them, a bridge across the gap. 

“you graduated as a doctor, right?” she asks. 

alex nods, the memory of her graduation painful. even if the news of lucy’s taking hadn’t reached her then, she would not have been in attendance at her graduation. she was forbidden. as it turned out, the school did not approve of a young woman, masquerading as a young man besting the rest of her class. alex realises that lucy may not know this, she doesn’t know if her last letter arrived in time. it hits her hard she says “they didn’t like when the found out that alex stood for alexandra, not alexander. i wasn’t allowed at graduation, but they couldn’t deny that i as the best in the class.” 

it doesn’t quite bring a smile to lucy’s face, but she seems to relax infinitesimally. 

silence once again stretches on and alex takes a chance. she doesn’t know what she can say that will help, but she knows what lucy has done for her in the past, when the world came crashing down around alex’s ears. she shifts in her position and puts her hand down flat on the bed. it’s an offering, a gesture of quiet contact when lucy feels ready. it feels like a small token and alex wants to do more, but she waits, and it’s easy to have patience where lucy is concerned. 

“they,” lucy starts some dozens of minutes later and her voice is shaking “alex, they did terrible things.” 

alex doesn’t know what to say. on the one hand she can only imagine, yet on the other, learning further may aide her ability to figure out what injuries lucy may be holding. she sits and she watches lucy and she doesn’t press. alex lets lucy unwind herself and speak, quietly, her words come slowly, hesitantly – but she doesn’t stop. 

“at some point,” she says “i just became another girl to them. it wasn’t about the, their, whatever they wanted from my father. i was just, at their disposal.”

alex seethes and breaks and there are tears in her eyes. 

“sometimes,” lucy says, her gaze fixed on something over alex’s shoulder “sometimes i just wanted to die. it would have been easier if they’d just gone too far. but now i’m here and i, i don’t know how to explain what happened. what they did to me.” 

“you don’t have to.” alex replies “you don’t owe anyone an explanation if you don’t feel ready.” she pauses and then “i’m just glad you’re back. i’m just glad you’re here and you’re safe.” alex is crying now and she can’t stop it, she can’t help it and on some level she doesn’t want to. she needs lucy to understand how much means to alex. how alex would go to the end of the earth for her, do absolutely anything for her “i just,” alex says “if you want me around, i want to look after you. i want to help you, if you want it.” 

there’s a soft hiccup from lucy and alex can see her crying as well. the tears are bright in lucy’s eyes and she’s curled in on herself still but slowly, one hand loosens and rests lightly on top of alex’s. that contact, the first in three months, it’s everything. 

alex takes a steadying breath and speaks quietly, gently “it’s gonna be okay.” she promises “maybe it all won’t be the same as before, but i’m gonna be here. and everyone else, they’ll be here for you too, when you’re ready for them.” she wants lucy to understand and yet alex doesn’t know if she’s overstepping a new boundary. 

lucy’s hand grips at alex and her arm turns and alex,

alex catches sight of the brand for the very first time. 

her breath catches in her chest at the sight. the brand itself is no bigger than a stamp but it is raw and pink and inflamed. alex’s heart stops because she knows this mark is new, within the last few days. her mind can only imagine lucy being held down as the red hot brand is held against her skin. she can imagine lucy fighting back tears, fighting back a scream so as to not give those men the satisfaction but, 

“oh lucy,” alex murmurs, and she looks up to catch lucy’s gaze. 

she looks terrified. 

alex softens, she curls her hand up lucy’s forearm. she can hear the moment lucy’s stops breathing “do you want me to stop?” alex asks, and lucy shakes her head. the movement is barely there, but alex catches it and she keeps her gaze fixed on lucy as she brushes the tip of her thumb along the curl of the brand. 

she’s not touching the burn, just near enough to be gentle, to be kind to it. alex shifts and leans forward, heart pounding in her ears as she presses a feather-light kiss to lucy’s wrist. alex can’t explain why she does it, not after the horrors lucy has no doubt been through. all she can think is that she does it with no other intent then to be soft, to show lucy some gentle kindness and remind her that the world is not all dark. it must work because lucy’s hand curls around the curve of alex’s jaw for a moment before alex moves to sit up. 

“tonight,” lucy murmurs, after a beat, speaking across the space between them “tonight can you just be here, with me? you, you make me feel safe and i,” she bites her lip, more tears welling and falling “i want to hold on to that feeling.” 

“i will be here.” alex promises, and it is as simple as that for her, for lucy.

**Author's Note:**

> y'all i have wanted to write this particular story for quite a while, however i did not want focus to be detracted from maggie's story. this felt like the right time to bring this to y'all. feel free to let me know your thoughts, i love them as always. and, as ever, thank you.


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